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Stephen Colbert Quotes

Who’s Britannica to tell me that the Panama Canal was built in 1914? If I want to say that it was built in 1941, that’s my right as an American Picture Quote #1

I used to make up stuff in my bio all the time, that I used to be a professional ice-skater and stuff like that. I found it so inspirational. Why not make myself cooler than I am? Picture Quote #1

I not only loved studying theater, I loved being a theater major. It gave me an excuse to brood, to grow a beard, to wear black ‘at’ people. I didn’t just want to play Hamlet, I wanted to be Hamlet Picture Quote #1

Northwestern’s alumni list is truly impressive. This university has graduated best-selling authors, Olympians, presidential candidates, Grammy winners, Peabody winners, Emmy winners, and that’s just me! Picture Quote #1

All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It’s only the dogs who’ve accepted Christ Picture Quote #1

I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don’t know what I’d believe in if it wasn’t for that Picture Quote #1

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Now I don’t know why he’s denying them habeas corpus. I can only assume the guys they got detained over there did something really unforgivable. Like remind Obama he was once a professor of Constitutional Law Picture Quote #1

Ghost of Bobby: no, no you can’t eat me. I’m a ghost. Stephen Colbert: That just means that there’s less bones to pick out Picture Quote #1

It’s back to school time. or as home-schoolers call it, stay-where-you-are time Picture Quote #1

I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade... which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake Picture Quote #1

Take it from me, there’s nothing like a job well done. Except the quiet enveloping darkness at the bottom of a bottle of Jim Beam after a job done any way at all Picture Quote #1

Pain is the body’s way of telling the brain it’s in trouble. Similarly, confusion is the brain’s way of telling the body, ‘All right, buddy, drop that book Picture Quote #1

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Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That’s the sky. If you’re still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow Picture Quote #1

I like talking about people who don’t have any power and it seems like some of the least powerful people in the United States are the migrant workers who come and do our work and don’t have any rights as a result. And yet we still invite them to come here, and at the same time ask them to leave Picture Quote #1

A new study shows that having a severe phobia can hasten aging. But what if my greatest fear IS aging?!? Picture Quote #1

Mitt Romney’s email was hacked! So if you start getting messages that sound like they’re from a bot, he’s fixed the problem Picture Quote #1

Look, PETA! If God hadn’t wanted us to eat animals, he wouldn’t have made them so darn tasty! Picture Quote #1

Young girls are obsessed with having a thigh gap. I blame the impossible body standards set by Spongebob Picture Quote #1

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Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics. Personally, I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie, and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car Picture Quote #1

Of course! Jeb Bush! America is hungry for another leader from that talented family! Picture Quote #1

Join me in standing up against any actual knowledge about guns. Let the CDC know they can take away our ignorance when the pry it from our cold dead minds Picture Quote #1

The entire future of marriage rests with Justice Anthony Kennedy, the man who declared in Citizens United that corporations are people with constitutional rights. I just hope he doesn’t do anything rash, like declare that homosexuals are people with constitutional rights Picture Quote #1

After nearly 15 minutes of soul searching, I have heard the call. Nation, I will seek the office of the president of the United States. I am doing it! Picture Quote #1

I have two last pieces of advice. First, being pre-approved for a credit card does not mean you have to apply for it. And lastly, the best career advice I can give you is to get your own TV show. It pays well, the hours are good, and you are famous. And eventually some very nice people will give you a doctorate in fine arts for doing jack squat Picture Quote #1

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So what? A lobbyist cheated Indian tribes out of $25 million then laundered their money through phony Christian charities trying to stop other Indian tribes from getting casinos [on screen: ‘Thou Shalt Not Compete’] and bribe congressmen in the process. Know what I call that? I call that business as usual in Washington. [on screen: ‘Screwing Indians’] Picture Quote #1

Forgot to live-tweet the election last night, so I’m post-tweeting today. I’ll start as soon as my fingers unclench from their rage fists Picture Quote #1

My guest Newt Gingrich shut down the government during the Clinton administration. I’ll ask him when it’s gonna start working again Picture Quote #1

My grandfather did not travel across 4,000 miles of the Atlantic Ocean to see this country overrun by immigrants. He did it because he killed a man back in Ireland Picture Quote #1

Throughout human history, countries rise and fall. But not America-we continue to rise and rise, like dough, until Jesus bakes us in the fiery Afterscape of the Rapture Picture Quote #1

Some say, ‘Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it.’ I say, ‘Those who ignore history are in for a big surprise.’ Picture Quote #1

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Friendship Quotes

Motivational Quotes

Inspirational Quotes

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Text Quotes

Who’s Britannica to tell me that the Panama Canal was built in 1914? If I want to say that it was built in 1941, that’s my right as an American (Stephen Colbert Quotes) I used to make up stuff in my bio all the time, that I used to be a professional ice-skater and stuff like that. I found it so inspirational. Why not make myself cooler than I am? (Stephen Colbert Quotes) I not only loved studying theater, I loved being a theater major. It gave me an excuse to brood, to grow a beard, to wear black ‘at’ people. I didn’t just want to play Hamlet, I wanted to be Hamlet (Stephen Colbert Quotes) Northwestern’s alumni list is truly impressive. This university has graduated best-selling authors, Olympians, presidential candidates, Grammy winners, Peabody winners, Emmy winners, and that’s just me! (Stephen Colbert Quotes) All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It’s only the dogs who’ve accepted Christ (Stephen Colbert Quotes) I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don’t know what I’d believe in if it wasn’t for that (Stephen Colbert Quotes) Now I don’t know why he’s denying them habeas corpus. I can only assume the guys they got detained over there did something really unforgivable. Like remind Obama he was once a professor of Constitutional Law (Stephen Colbert Quotes) Ghost of Bobby: no, no you can’t eat me. I’m a ghost. Stephen Colbert: That just means that there’s less bones to pick out (Stephen Colbert Quotes) It’s back to school time. or as home-schoolers call it, stay-where-you-are time (Stephen Colbert Quotes) I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade... which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake (Stephen Colbert Quotes) Take it from me, there’s nothing like a job well done. Except the quiet enveloping darkness at the bottom of a bottle of Jim Beam after a job done any way at all (Stephen Colbert Quotes) Pain is the body’s way of telling the brain it’s in trouble. Similarly, confusion is the brain’s way of telling the body, ‘All right, buddy, drop that book (Stephen Colbert Quotes) Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That’s the sky. If you’re still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow (Stephen Colbert Quotes) I like talking about people who don’t have any power and it seems like some of the least powerful people in the United States are the migrant workers who come and do our work and don’t have any rights as a result. And yet we still invite them to come here, and at the same time ask them to leave (Stephen Colbert Quotes) A new study shows that having a severe phobia can hasten aging. But what if my greatest fear IS aging?!? (Stephen Colbert Quotes) Mitt Romney’s email was hacked! So if you start getting messages that sound like they’re from a bot, he’s fixed the problem (Stephen Colbert Quotes) Look, PETA! If God hadn’t wanted us to eat animals, he wouldn’t have made them so darn tasty! (Stephen Colbert Quotes) Young girls are obsessed with having a thigh gap. I blame the impossible body standards set by Spongebob (Stephen Colbert Quotes) Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics. Personally, I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie, and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car (Stephen Colbert Quotes) Of course! Jeb Bush! America is hungry for another leader from that talented family! (Stephen Colbert Quotes) Join me in standing up against any actual knowledge about guns. Let the CDC know they can take away our ignorance when the pry it from our cold dead minds (Stephen Colbert Quotes) The entire future of marriage rests with Justice Anthony Kennedy, the man who declared in Citizens United that corporations are people with constitutional rights. I just hope he doesn’t do anything rash, like declare that homosexuals are people with constitutional rights (Stephen Colbert Quotes) After nearly 15 minutes of soul searching, I have heard the call. Nation, I will seek the office of the president of the United States. I am doing it! (Stephen Colbert Quotes) I have two last pieces of advice. First, being pre-approved for a credit card does not mean you have to apply for it. And lastly, the best career advice I can give you is to get your own TV show. It pays well, the hours are good, and you are famous. And eventually some very nice people will give you a doctorate in fine arts for doing jack squat (Stephen Colbert Quotes) So what? A lobbyist cheated Indian tribes out of $25 million then laundered their money through phony Christian charities trying to stop other Indian tribes from getting casinos [on screen: ‘Thou Shalt Not Compete’] and bribe congressmen in the process. Know what I call that? I call that business as usual in Washington. [on screen: ‘Screwing Indians’] (Stephen Colbert Quotes) Forgot to live-tweet the election last night, so I’m post-tweeting today. I’ll start as soon as my fingers unclench from their rage fists (Stephen Colbert Quotes) My guest Newt Gingrich shut down the government during the Clinton administration. I’ll ask him when it’s gonna start working again (Stephen Colbert Quotes) My grandfather did not travel across 4,000 miles of the Atlantic Ocean to see this country overrun by immigrants. He did it because he killed a man back in Ireland (Stephen Colbert Quotes) Throughout human history, countries rise and fall. But not America-we continue to rise and rise, like dough, until Jesus bakes us in the fiery Afterscape of the Rapture (Stephen Colbert Quotes) Some say, ‘Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it.’ I say, ‘Those who ignore history are in for a big surprise.’ (Stephen Colbert Quotes)

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