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Stephen Colbert Quotes

I loved George Carlin and Dean Martin. I was one of those kids who had every comedy album Picture Quote #1

Arbitrary rules teach kids discipline: If every rule made sense, they wouldn’t be learning respect for authority, they’d be learning logic Picture Quote #1

And when those bombs went off, there were runners who, after finishing a marathon, kept running for another two miles to the hospital to donate blood. So, here’s what I know -- these maniacs may have tried to make life bad for the people of Boston, but all they can ever do, is show just how good those people are Picture Quote #1

Thankfully, dreams can change. If we’d all stuck with our first dream, the world would be overrun with cowboys and princesses Picture Quote #1

Here’s an easy way to figure out if you’re in a cult: If you’re wondering whether you’re in a cult, the answer is yes Picture Quote #1

Can accidentally eating halal food make you Muslim? Yes, the same way drinking a cosmo can make you gay Picture Quote #1

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Obamacare takes effect in less than eight months. Do you realize what this means? If you go to the emergency room now, you’ll be covered by the time you finally see a doctor Picture Quote #1

I’ll make fun of anybody. We’re all about falling down and going boom on camera Picture Quote #1

In the media age, everybody was famous for 15 minutes. In the Wikipedia age, everybody can be an expert in five minutes. Special bonus: You can edit your own entry to make yourself seem even smarter Picture Quote #1

I like to do things that are publicly embarrassing, to feel the embarrassment touch me and sink into me and then be gone. I like getting on elevators and singing too loudly in that small space. The feeling you feel is almost like a vapor. The discomfort and the wishing that it would end that comes around you Picture Quote #1

I have a doctorate in fine arts from Knox College in Illinois. All I did was give a speech, and now everybody has to call me Dr. Colbert Picture Quote #1

Take the platypus - that is not a finished product. It is clearly still in beta Picture Quote #1

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We don’t have to look for what the next thing will be. If experience is any judge, it’ll come flowing toward us like a river Picture Quote #1

Don’t cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it’ll be free yogurt Picture Quote #1

The letters that say ‘I’m getting the messages you’re sending me through the television screen’ are not great. But those are few and far between, thank God. I get wonderful letters, and people send me artwork Picture Quote #1

Global warming isn’t real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate Picture Quote #1

To all the worryworts out there who said super PACs were going to lead to a cabal of billionaires secretly buying democracy: wrong! They are publicly buying democracy Picture Quote #1

There’s an old saying about those who forget history. I don’t remember it, but it’s good Picture Quote #1

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I don’t get why the government is the only one that gets to print money Picture Quote #1

If you’re doing nothing wrong, you have nothing to hide from the giant surveillance apparatus the government’s been hiding Picture Quote #1

Late-night shows are ‘Chopped.’ Who are your guests tonight? Your guests tonight are veal tongue, coffee grounds and gummy bears. There, make a show ... Make an appetizer that appeals to millions of people. That’s what I like. How could you possibly do it? Oh, you bring in your own flavors. Your own house band is another flavor Picture Quote #1

Oh sure, its fine when a monkey does it. But when I throw barrels at an Italian plumber, they call it a hate crime! Picture Quote #1

Love means never having to say you’re sorry. That’s why I never apologize to my mirror Picture Quote #1

There’s a degree of narcissism involved in anything in show business. I mean, you can’t do it without a healthy ego. Why would you want anybody to listen to you? Picture Quote #1

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There is no food closer to my heart than cheese. In fact, according to my doctor, it has nearly filled my aorta Picture Quote #1

I’m a junkie for exhaustion, and I’m a junkie for setting up my expectations too high and then trying to meet them Picture Quote #1

I could sit toe to toe at a potato table with anybody Picture Quote #1

I’ve said it a million times: Romance languages lead to premarital sex Picture Quote #1

The cost of living keeps going up, although death is surprisingly affordable Picture Quote #1

It warps the minds of our children and weakens the resolve of our allies Picture Quote #1

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Friendship Quotes

Motivational Quotes

Inspirational Quotes

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Text Quotes

I loved George Carlin and Dean Martin. I was one of those kids who had every comedy album. (Stephen Colbert Quotes) Arbitrary rules teach kids discipline: If every rule made sense, they wouldn’t be learning respect for authority, they’d be learning logic. (Stephen Colbert Quotes) And when those bombs went off, there were runners who, after finishing a marathon, kept running for another two miles to the hospital to donate blood. So, here’s what I know -- these maniacs may have tried to make life bad for the people of Boston, but all they can ever do, is show just how good those people are. (Stephen Colbert Quotes) Thankfully, dreams can change. If we’d all stuck with our first dream, the world would be overrun with cowboys and princesses. (Stephen Colbert Quotes) Here’s an easy way to figure out if you’re in a cult: If you’re wondering whether you’re in a cult, the answer is yes. (Stephen Colbert Quotes) Can accidentally eating halal food make you Muslim? Yes, the same way drinking a cosmo can make you gay. (Stephen Colbert Quotes) Obamacare takes effect in less than eight months. Do you realize what this means? If you go to the emergency room now, you’ll be covered by the time you finally see a doctor. (Stephen Colbert Quotes) I’ll make fun of anybody. We’re all about falling down and going boom on camera. (Stephen Colbert Quotes) In the media age, everybody was famous for 15 minutes. In the Wikipedia age, everybody can be an expert in five minutes. Special bonus: You can edit your own entry to make yourself seem even smarter. (Stephen Colbert Quotes) I like to do things that are publicly embarrassing, to feel the embarrassment touch me and sink into me and then be gone. I like getting on elevators and singing too loudly in that small space. The feeling you feel is almost like a vapor. The discomfort and the wishing that it would end that comes around you. (Stephen Colbert Quotes) I have a doctorate in fine arts from Knox College in Illinois. All I did was give a speech, and now everybody has to call me Dr. Colbert. (Stephen Colbert Quotes) Take the platypus - that is not a finished product. It is clearly still in beta. (Stephen Colbert Quotes) We don’t have to look for what the next thing will be. If experience is any judge, it’ll come flowing toward us like a river. (Stephen Colbert Quotes) Don’t cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it’ll be free yogurt. (Stephen Colbert Quotes) The letters that say ‘I’m getting the messages you’re sending me through the television screen’ are not great. But those are few and far between, thank God. I get wonderful letters, and people send me artwork. (Stephen Colbert Quotes) Global warming isn’t real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate. (Stephen Colbert Quotes) To all the worryworts out there who said super PACs were going to lead to a cabal of billionaires secretly buying democracy: wrong! They are publicly buying democracy. (Stephen Colbert Quotes) There’s an old saying about those who forget history. I don’t remember it, but it’s good. (Stephen Colbert Quotes) I don’t get why the government is the only one that gets to print money (Stephen Colbert Quotes) If you’re doing nothing wrong, you have nothing to hide from the giant surveillance apparatus the government’s been hiding. (Stephen Colbert Quotes) Late-night shows are ‘Chopped.’ Who are your guests tonight? Your guests tonight are veal tongue, coffee grounds and gummy bears. There, make a show ... Make an appetizer that appeals to millions of people. That’s what I like. How could you possibly do it? Oh, you bring in your own flavors. Your own house band is another flavor. (Stephen Colbert Quotes) Oh sure, its fine when a monkey does it. But when I throw barrels at an Italian plumber, they call it a hate crime! (Stephen Colbert Quotes) Love means never having to say you’re sorry. That’s why I never apologize to my mirror. (Stephen Colbert Quotes) There’s a degree of narcissism involved in anything in show business. I mean, you can’t do it without a healthy ego. Why would you want anybody to listen to you? (Stephen Colbert Quotes) There is no food closer to my heart than cheese. In fact, according to my doctor, it has nearly filled my aorta. (Stephen Colbert Quotes) I’m a junkie for exhaustion, and I’m a junkie for setting up my expectations too high and then trying to meet them. (Stephen Colbert Quotes) I could sit toe to toe at a potato table with anybody (Stephen Colbert Quotes) I’ve said it a million times: Romance languages lead to premarital sex (Stephen Colbert Quotes) The cost of living keeps going up, although death is surprisingly affordable (Stephen Colbert Quotes) It warps the minds of our children and weakens the resolve of our allies (Stephen Colbert Quotes)

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