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Tim Vine Quotes

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said ‘Who’s speaking please?’ And a voice said ‘You are.’ Picture Quote #1

You see I’m against hunting, in fact I’m a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox Picture Quote #1

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it’s Colin Picture Quote #1

The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn’t know what to make of it Picture Quote #1

Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I’m not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is Picture Quote #1

I saw this train driver and said, ‘I wanna go to Paris.’ He said, ‘Eurostar?’ I said, ‘Well I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin.’ Mind you, at least the Eurostar’s comfy. It’s murder on the Orient Express isn’t it? Picture Quote #1

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One of the things I like about when I tour sometimes is that occasionally you’ll see a dad there with his 12-year-old son and they’re both enjoying it Picture Quote #1

I was reading a book... ‘the history of glue’ - I couldn’t put it down Picture Quote #1

Black holes. I don’t know what people see in them. Exit signs? They’re on their way out Picture Quote #1

People ask ‘do you make a conscious effort not to swear?’ - if you’re doing silly stuff you’re not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway Picture Quote #1

Now, most dentist’s chairs go up and down, don’t they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought ‘This is unusual’. And the dentist said to me ‘Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet Picture Quote #1

My house is a bit like a teenager’s bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I’ve got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul Picture Quote #1

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I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again Picture Quote #1

I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum Picture Quote #1

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me ‘Can you give me a lift?’ I said ‘Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.’ Picture Quote #1

One of the things I like about when I tour sometimes is that occasionally you’ll see a dad there with his 12-year-old son and they’re both enjoying it Picture Quote #1

I was reading a book... ‘the history of glue’ - I couldn’t put it down Picture Quote #1

Black beauty - he’s a dark horse Picture Quote #1

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I love acting, but it’s all just a bonus Picture Quote #1

For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life Picture Quote #1

If you compulsively pun you are called a paronomasiac Picture Quote #1

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds Picture Quote #1

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it’s Colin Picture Quote #1

As you get older you’re told to be sensible, but it’s important for writing if you’re a comic that you’re able to still access that childlike thing Picture Quote #1

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The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn’t know what to make of it Picture Quote #1

People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff Picture Quote #1

Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I’m not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is Picture Quote #1

You see I’m against hunting, in fact I’m a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox Picture Quote #1

I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself Picture Quote #1

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy Picture Quote #1

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Friendship Quotes

Motivational Quotes

Inspirational Quotes

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Text Quotes

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said ‘Who’s speaking please?’ And a voice said ‘You are.’ (Tim Vine Quotes) You see I’m against hunting, in fact I’m a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox. (Tim Vine Quotes) Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it’s Colin. (Tim Vine Quotes) The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn’t know what to make of it. (Tim Vine Quotes) Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I’m not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is. (Tim Vine Quotes) I saw this train driver and said, ‘I wanna go to Paris.’ He said, ‘Eurostar?’ I said, ‘Well I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin.’ Mind you, at least the Eurostar’s comfy. It’s murder on the Orient Express isn’t it? (Tim Vine Quotes) One of the things I like about when I tour sometimes is that occasionally you’ll see a dad there with his 12-year-old son and they’re both enjoying it. (Tim Vine Quotes) I was reading a book... ‘the history of glue’ - I couldn’t put it down. (Tim Vine Quotes) Black holes. I don’t know what people see in them. Exit signs? They’re on their way out. (Tim Vine Quotes) People ask ‘do you make a conscious effort not to swear?’ - if you’re doing silly stuff you’re not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway (Tim Vine Quotes) Now, most dentist’s chairs go up and down, don’t they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought ‘This is unusual’. And the dentist said to me ‘Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet (Tim Vine Quotes) My house is a bit like a teenager’s bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I’ve got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul (Tim Vine Quotes) I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again (Tim Vine Quotes) I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum (Tim Vine Quotes) So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me ‘Can you give me a lift?’ I said ‘Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.’ (Tim Vine Quotes) One of the things I like about when I tour sometimes is that occasionally you’ll see a dad there with his 12-year-old son and they’re both enjoying it (Tim Vine Quotes) I was reading a book... ‘the history of glue’ - I couldn’t put it down (Tim Vine Quotes) Black beauty - he’s a dark horse (Tim Vine Quotes) I love acting, but it’s all just a bonus (Tim Vine Quotes) For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life (Tim Vine Quotes) If you compulsively pun you are called a paronomasiac (Tim Vine Quotes) Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds (Tim Vine Quotes) Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it’s Colin (Tim Vine Quotes) As you get older you’re told to be sensible, but it’s important for writing if you’re a comic that you’re able to still access that childlike thing (Tim Vine Quotes) The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn’t know what to make of it (Tim Vine Quotes) People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff (Tim Vine Quotes) Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I’m not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is (Tim Vine Quotes) You see I’m against hunting, in fact I’m a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox (Tim Vine Quotes) I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself (Tim Vine Quotes) I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy (Tim Vine Quotes)

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